- Professor Blakewood
- Professor Slughorn
- Professor McGonagall
- Frank Longbottom and Alice Jamestone
Most Likely to Become a Couple After Graduation (3-way tie)
- Amycus Carrow and Ophelia Blaire
- Frank Longbottom and Alice Jamestone
- George Carlisle and Alecto Carrow
Most Unexpected Couple
- Amycus Carrow and Marlene McKinnon
Best Couple That Should Be (tie)
- Frank Longbottom and Alice Jamestone
- Xenophilius Lovegood and Cassandra Whitbury
- James Potter and Sirius Black
- James Potter and Severus Snape
- Amycus and Alecto Carrow
SLYTHERIN - BOYS
- Most Likely to Get Set on Fire
- Sexiest Man Alive
- Biggest Drunk
Barty Crouch Jr
- Most Untrustworthy
- Worst Smile
- Lone Wolf
- Best Dressed
- Best Kisser
- Sloppiest Drunk
- Biggest Douchebag
- Biggest BAMF
- Most Likely to be a Bag-Lady
- Best Bum
- Least Athletic
- Most Outspoken
- Best Physique
- Most Likely to Own Fifty Cats
- Most Likely to Have Ten Children
- Most Loyal
- Most Family-Oriented
- Worst Hair
- Most Likely to be Mistaken for a Troll
- Worst Kisser
This blast should go down in history. Not for its content, but for the fact that I am allowing the words of the person who tipped me off to be written for all of you to read. How generous, you must think, for me to bestow this right upon someone. The news must be ever so important and from a very important and trustworthy source.
If those are your thoughts, sweetie, then I must inform you that you’re very stupid and should probably check into St. Mungo’s. No, the reason I’m granting such a privilege is not for the writer’s benefit, but for yours, my dears. This way you can laugh along with me.
There’s four of them now — together, joined at the hip and disallowing anybody to step foot into a higher reign than themselves. People often wonder what it would be like if four dark forces banned together as one — and now it’s happened. Two Death Eaters, an experienced Potions Master and a Veela, none of which are enthusiastic on using their powers in the righteous way. This ferocious foursome has stepped forward for the first time in Hogwarts as a group, cursing anybody that dares step in their way and advocating one another to provoke students and Professors alike.
Recently deciding to come together in force to obliterate those who have claimed themselves as the Marauders of Hogwarts, Amycus Carrow appears most likely to be heading the group, being the most ruthless voice of reason. Between his tenacity, Ophelia Blaire’s thirst for power no matter the cost, Regulus Black’s calculative mind and logic in reason, and Severus Snape’s vindictive nature, it would seem no student wishing to cross their paths would have an easy time with it.
Just as a war is raging on outside of the castle walls — now, there is an even deadlier one infiltrating the halls of the once ‘impenetrable’ school. Amycus Carrow was personally quoted, regarding the alliance of the four self-proclaimed ‘Anti-Marauders’: “The floors will run red with the blood of the unworthy, and those of opposition and filth will be the first to feel our wrath.”
This chaotic quartet is not one to be taken lightly, especially with their individual skill sets, but as their true strength lies within their numbers — this group of Anti-Marauders is quickly becoming much more than simply a formidable opponent against those beyond enemy lines. It has been urged, if one happens to cross paths with the bloodthirsty band of Slytherins, that you do not try and confront them personally. You may not live to tell the tale afterwards.
First of all, a picture, really? Unless you’re going to send me photographic evidence of some salacious bit of gossip, then I really could care less. This isn’t Rabbie snipping the sheets of the Hufflepuff’s beds (old news) or Little Claw and Raven ripping out each other’s hair (also old news). Nope, it’s just a photograph of four students standing together. I’m surprised with all of your supposed bad-assery you had time to pose for that photo, loves. What amuses me most is that it’s not even a wizarding photograph. What sort of Voldemort supporters are you if you’re flailing around muggle objects?
Anyway, back to the real point: this article. Let us break it down piece by piece, shall we? I knew you’d agree.
Let us put aside any mention of the terrible vocabulary choices and poor grammar and focus on the “content.”
Don’t get ahead of yourselves, dearies, there are plenty of people with more powerful reigns than you four. Just to name several: Voldemort, Dumbledore, all of your professors, oooh, even your parents, and, oh yeah, me. So what I’ve gathered from these skill sets is that two of you are going to itch your arms to call for the big bad Dark Lord to come save your butts, and since the other two of you are two scared to get tattoos, one of you is going to throw ugly-colored liquids to save yourself and the other is going to get into everyone’s pants until they can’t disagree with anything. Mhm. Well then.
Why are you trying to ‘obliterate’ the Marauders? I get that they have huge sway in the castle, but it’s not as if they’re going around handing out ‘I hate Amycus’ shirts. They haven’t even pulled a prank in a while (better get on that, boys, you’re boring me), and other than fighting back for what they believe in, pose a very minuscule threat. Bertie and his inflated head would be more likely to smack into you if you weren’t too busy looking for trouble to actually make any.
Now, let us discuss these skills you have awarded yourselves, shall we? Well obviously we shall, because unlike you little insignificant beings, what I say, goes. Amycus Carrow is ruthless, mostly true, though it’s kind of hard to kill someone when your hand’s halfway up the Gryffindor flag (oh, whoops, was that a girl? I couldn’t tell). Voice of reason? Whomever decided Boy Carrow was logical should join these four in their trip to St. Mungo’s so as to make our world a better place. Thank you. Ophelia Blaire has an unquenchable thirst for power? That I can buy, though if we feed her some pumpkin juice and pat her head, she might be diverted for a while. Regulus Black has a calculative mind? Um, I see, so that’s what we’re referring to cowardice as now. His mummy must be so proud to have her hands around him that tightly. And, again with the logic thing. You lot really are unoriginal if you’re awarding everyone the same winning traits. There are only four of you, surely you can do better. Severus Snape is vindictive? Well yes, clearly, you can practically see the holes he’s burned in Lover Boy’s head. No wonder his hair’s so greasy, it takes all of the time and effort he could use to shower in order to obsess over Lil Red that much.
Whoever said this school was ‘impenetrable’ is really quite daft. There have already been enough attacks that Dumbledore is aware it’s dangerous, and yet, seeing as all of you are students and subsetquently come from inside the walls, nothing has gotten in, as in nothing has penetrated it. Try again, loves.
Amycus Carrow being personally quoted… big whoop, he lives here. For a group that hates the Marauders so much, putting their name in yours really is quite pathetic, and, again, unoriginal. Also do you even know what ‘marauder’ means? Your title just makes it seem like you sit around and chat all day or something. And the boy seems all talk and no walk because the more time he spends blabbing about their greatness, the less he spends proving it. He should’ve stuck to his sister, at least she seems to know actual cruelty, unlike this gang of rookies. Plus I heard Lil Red beat him in a duel several balls ago, with the help of none other than Andy Black. Who’s smirking now, Carrow? Oh wait, that was always me.
Strength in numbers. Yes, four pathetic Slytherins who are too sad about not being Voldie’s right wings that they must find another target and settled for a group of best friends who make flatware come too life. Ooooh, I’m so scared. And if this group, which is undeniably chaotic, but more to the point that it seems salvaged at the last minute, is indeed becoming more than what they claim to be, then it would be nice if you could actually back up that point by saying what they are evolving into, but alas. I must have expected too much from you little darlings.
Don’t even try to cross their paths? Let us just highlight, for a moment, how un-formidable this lot is. Their so-called leader spends most of his time shagging the daylights out of the apparent love of his life who is, believe it or not, a Gryffindor who claims she doesn’t support Voldie’s cause. How’s that one going, dears? The younger Black brother can’t break away from the shadow of his brother or the clutches of his mother, and so he abandoned his Gryffindor best friend and girlfriend to try to prove himself once again. The Veela has not proved in any way formidable to anyone, so nice try there. And Snape, well, I was shocked to learn he forgot to run to Lil Red when she snapped one time. Tsk, tsk, dear.
In essence, I’m still alive and so are all of you. If you feel like getting in a duel, these four seem to be the right partners because I’ve never seen a group hungrier for some sort of power and fame than the four who couldn’t bother to spend their pathetic time coming up with a proper name.
I hope I put all of you to sleep with their story, lovelies. I know I’ve been snoozing ever since I started reading it.
It looks like those who befriend muggleborns never really move on because little Snivells was caught practicing for none other than a Muggle Studies Assignment, and who with? Miss Bellatrix Black herself, who apparently has a soft side, even if that does mean greasing her hands and listening to love songs written by a man with colored glasses.
Who knew? Maybe next weekend we’ll find her donating the knives she used to behead houselves and the coats she wore to meetings with Voldie to poor muggles.
It would appear that these two lions have been roaming on their own. Both have been spotted brooding around the castle when they think no one’s watching (or, perhaps, when they hope everyone is). What got their knickers in a twist has yet to be seen, though the latest word is that it had something to do with Snivells.
At least for once their fights have taken a new course, and their happiness was starting to get old, so I can’t say I disapprove. But don’t sulk for too long, dears, or you’ll begin to bore me again.
And, my guess is that both of you are wrong, so face the fact that both of you are pathetic whiners who need to get their lives together, suck it up, and move on to something more interesting. Thanks.
It’s been much too long since the students of Hogwarts have visited the tavern, but it seems they can only remain boring for so long, and, as always, entertainment arose when the drinks started flowing.
I should almost draw a web of connections between what happened last night, but you, my lovelies, are not yet ready to handle my fantastic artistic talents.
We start off with Ophelia, the new girl who decided a bare torso was a much better way to get attention than making conversation.
The self-dubbed ‘Papa Lupin’ appeared to be doling out advice left and right yesterday evening, because before speaking with Cassie, he had a nice chat with none other than Lover Boy. Speaking of Potter, it would appear someone’s gotten a bit rusty when it comes to being quite so skilled in the love department.
Who was paying the most attention to those two? I’ll give you a hint, it wasn’t Mr. Remus Advice Lupin. If you haven’t figured it out yet, dearies, it’s time for you to take another walk around the castle.
Earlier on in the night, Fells and her fellow Hufflepuff Tonksy were both spotted being very afraid, likely of the aggressively attention-grabbing Amycus Carrow.
Other than all of that, there was only the additional point that Loopy stopped giving advice for several minutes so he could work at his boyfriend duties, though Hookums has been flying so low-profile lately that I can’t say I care. Then again, not everyone is able to impress me, even when there are entertaining activities occurring.
Well, lovelies, it looks like, at least for a night, you finally stopped coaxing me to call every night an early night with your boring ways. You should actually keep it up this time, though I can’t say I believe you will. For every small amount of interesting in you lot, there’s always a huge dose of not. Too bad, really. I was so hoping for a moment that this year would amount to something.
Lil’ Red gets around. Tonight she had to snog both Snivells and Potter when both boys were dared to initiate it. This self-proclaimed prude must be doing something right, because both boys declared their love for her multiple times.
She broke poor Snivells’ heart though apparently had a spark in her eye for Lover Boy. While the amounts of denial are clear, these two still aren’t an item, and won’t be for a while, even if one day Potter’s dreams really do come true. That’s not to say I think these random snogs should stop, because they’re all wonderfully entertaining.
Though when the declaration of Potter’s undying love for Evans finally came from the boy himself, he and Vanity ended things. But, as a source points out, one cannot be too sure it’ll last, since they’re like dysfunctional magnets.
While it’s often said that drunken words are those that lie in the depths of one’s heart, I find they’re only a skewed version of the hidden thoughts only a wonderful dose of Veritaserum can bring to light. What do you think, lovelies? Your agreement is inevitable, so that’s a rhetorical question.
They say old habits never die, and it seems that this statement has never rung more true than earlier this morning. Not that anyone expected Potter to do much reading, but his trip to the Library led to a run-in with Snivells, who’s finally not MIA.
Word is Snape pulled out some pretty bad curses, leaving Lover Boy bleeding on the ground. Tsk, tsk, boys. Fighting isn’t the way to a girl’s heart. You two, of all people, should know that well. I have a feeling Lil’ Red won’t be doling out high-fives for this one.
Oh, shut up. Just because Severus finally showed his face again, doesn’t mean he and Potter duked it out. They haven’t done that in a long time, and I doubt they’re starting again now. Plus, Severus never liked me that way, so just mind your own business.
Wow, Lil’ Red, I knew you were naive and in denial, but I didn’t realize it was this bad. It’s good to see you’ve finally realized Lover Boy’s heart only belongs with you, but it’s time to wake up and realize Snivells didn’t just hold your hand to be your friend. These boys won’t stop fighting for you even after you’re dead, so maybe you should take your obliviousness elsewhere.